We are, all, made from our experiences, good and bad. We learn and grow from those around us, if we gather around us those who help us grow. We all have those we love and stick with, even when it's not healthy to do so. Some are family, some are friends. The difficulty for me is deciding if, or when, the value of trying to help another and be a good friend or family member has been outweighed by the affect that person is having on me. I cannot only keep those that make my life 'better' or more comfortable, or I would never grow. Sometimes people are only going through a rough patch and need the love and support, whether they deserve it or not. Let's face it, how many of use deserve the wonderful people who hold us up? I know I don't and I rely on the love and support given from those who care not because they 'have' to, but because they choose to. Those who accept me for who I am, faults and all.
That being said, I have come to a point that a few people whom I love with all my being may need to be kicked out of my life. Two because they are all about themselves, and don't care who gets hurt in the process. Life if all about them, what they want and when they want it. Everything has to be NOW because it popped into their head and can't possibly wait. I believe one is unaware of his behavior, and doesn't mean to be that way. He just gets on a tangent and it drags him forward. However, the drama caused because he doesn't stop and think is tiring. The other is aware, and just doesn't care. Those who don't agree with his view aren't worth his time. Unless he needs them for something. He lies and cheats, and generally makes the world worse just by being in it.
That being said, there is another who is starting to act the same way. He keeps people in his life because they have something of value to him, not because they are important as people. How sad. I get so tired of hearing comments along the line of "I'm trying to keep so-and-so happy because I need/want (something)." Really? How terribly sad. Life has become a series of drama and lies to keep others happy, or stay on their good side. Worse, there is no movement to change the situation. I hear over and over that it's being worked on, but after over 5 years of just complaints, I seriously begin to doubt. I think this person has become addicted to the drama. As much as it pains me, it has begun to drag me down and sometimes I am depressed for days after talking with this person. The other two are pretty easy to ignore and leave out of my life, as I am only important to them when they need something. This last person is very important, but I have gotten to the point where I must be more important. I have given every opportunity within my means to help. Money, support, a ear to listen when I can. However, I can't take it any more. When and if this person decides to change current circumstances, I am done. Finished. I can no longer continue to have conversations with people and be left wondering what the point of life is and wishing I hadn't been brought into this world. My family often makes me wonder what the purpose of my life is, as I should not have survived being born and should have not survived a few times after that. They make me believe that I've made the right choice to never bring a child into this world, despite the deep desire to have kids.
All of that said, I believe life, and people are generally good and that there is a purpose for everything. Evening knowing that I may never know or understand the purpose, or my role in it, I accept that I am here for a purpose. Even as I cut some from my life, and cut back on the contact with those I can't bear to cut out completely, I can only hope to make the world better for those around me, even if it's by saying good-bye and best of luck to them.
Very reflective! Very deep! You are not alone in the struggle!
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